What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 02:52
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
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And i lived it daily.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
One cannot live in the past .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I will be 64.
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But it wasn’t much.
What was your most memorable experience catching a fraudulent car seller?
All the time i was locked up.
My life is so biszare .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So whats the point in blame.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
This is soul school!.
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Put me off passion for life!!
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
What did i know ?
I could never make a relationship work though!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As i do to all so called friends.?
She wouldn,t have been !
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
It was going to be , some day.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I was 9 years of age.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She married twice! .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was very sick at this time too.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I waited trembling.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She found it foreign!.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We all went to grammer schools
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He knew the spot.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Im still living with it.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But, we were locked up after school.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He resisted the act ,that day.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
So, i spoilt her more .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She was in good health!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was scared of men, in general
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She loved him until the end.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was seconnd youngest,
Comes on , in middle age.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Ive learnt so much.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But ive been too sick for many years..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We were not on the streets..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Would this be the day?
I said to her
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My family never makes their pension either.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I think the readers, may guess!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I never cut or harmed myself..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I have no regrets .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
When she asked me how she looked .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Who then, do I blame.?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I couldn’t, believe it.
I don,t even have a pension.
I write beautiful poetry .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!